Why do I keep falling back and forth between newfound conviction and crushing doubt? Or, more importantly, why does it keep happening -so quickly-?

I don't even know what to -write-. I'm so angry and sick of being so angry (notice the irony?), bitter, cynical, tired, unmotivated, etc, etc, etc. I'm tired of more and more people saying to me "Jeeze, Stephen, you're so depressed, smoke a blunt/chillax/take it easy." Drugs are cheating and self induced ignorance, I can't just relax, or otherwise I would. I don't enjoy waking up every day and thinking "Great! One more day to question everything, hate humanity, be sick with myself and live in fear of things that will never happen!" It isn't something I enjoy and can just tell to go away. I don't think I would want to, anyway. I feel as if I fear and question a lot of things that deserve to be, well, if not -feared-, at least questioned.

I feel as if I would probably lose the questioning part without the fear part. Which sucks.

The thing is, so many people I know either already have, or are getting close to having this semblance of a thing, or even a notion of this thing called "inner peace." Some find it in religion, some in practicality, some in...whatever else you find inner peace in. And yet I'm still at the starting line, looking out at this treacherous terrain of terrible trials (I've discovered a new love for alliteration), and all I seem to have is this little, flickering flashlight with the word "hope" inscribed on the side, and a little devil emoticon ">:D".

It's because I see everyone else out there running on this track, and I don't see any finish or end. I see people who happen to make it to these little oases and either stay there, or make a mad dash for the next one, often futilely and to no avail. The rest of the people either keel over dead before they even cross the starting line or succumb to the myriad of other traps that await them.

Metaphor aside, I need for there to be an overarching purpose for the world, because, while purpose on an self-finding purpose on an individual level is wonderful and a great, powerful thing, it DOESN'T HELP THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T GET THE CHANCE. But then, if death really is it, if that's all she wrote, and oblivion waits, well, I guess it really didn't matter. But then your little individual purpose doesn't really matter. Nor do the purposes of your friends and family, and everything just ends up having the most depressing ending imaginable: separation of the most severe kind from everyone and everything you cared about. I need to know that people get what they deserve, some sort of compensation for living, or not living, in hell.

And I Just. Can't. Stop. Feeling this way. I don't -like- it. I want to be a happy person. I want to find a purpose for my life. I want to live to the utmost I can and enjoy things and feel at peace. But I haven't found anything that gives me peace, yet, and while it's terribly drastic of me to say so, I feel as if I might not, or that I might die tomorrow and never get the chance, and then I think about all of the people who -have- died without getting the chance, and it makes me feel worse for wasting my time, but I can't figure out how to better use my time because I don't know where to go. And all the while I feel as if I'm driving people away or rendering myself unable to make new friends because of this aura of pensive pessimism I seem to find myself exuding nowadays. And then I don't know if it's my irrational anxiety talking, or the reasoning of something that logically follows. Summer isn't going to help.


*Edit* And yet, everywhere I am confronted by things in this world that just help me remember what goodness does still exist. Love, random acts of kindness, people who make a difference, if even a small one. Those people who do still hold the door open for other people, who offer assistance to a person struggling with a bunch of boxes, who smile and nod at random strangers on the street...I feel like they deserve something more than to be the victim of some random violence. One of the key problems with our society is that you never tell someone how much they mean to you, how much they matter, until their funeral.

I just...feel as if people should deserve to know how they mattered, what they did, even after their death. Like the deserve to know what sort of impact they had. How their life -mattered-.

Okay, I just had a wonderful conversation with my dad that has brought about many new revelations that I must try and write down before I forget.

Apparently my faith wasn't dead, just on a temporary hiatus.


Ummm okay, where do I start? I suppose I will start with my feeling of purpose in the world.

Okay, this is probably a little vague for people to understand, but I have always felt that there has been purpose driving both my life and the world. Usually, this purpose is only revealed in -hind sight-, but I see it nonetheless. You are more than welcome to attribute said things to chance and coincidence if you like, but I see these patterns and these -reasons- that just seem too...readily available to be completely chalked up to chance.

For instance, coming to Rhode Island was a huge boost in self esteem and self worth that I desperately needed, and leaving Rhode Island so unexpectedly was a huge realism check and ego-moderator that I also needed, as well as, ironically, helping me to become more emotionally mature in relationships that I have with people up there; you, my friends, and Johnny and Becca etc. etc.

I have a very hard time attributing so many things like that to coincidence. So, while I will never suppose myself capable of seeing a proposed "divine plan" in its entirety, I believe that I am capable of seeing parts, chunks, and perhaps even the general direction it is taking.

(this is relevant, promise) Something that has really bothered me recently is the fact that happiness, for us, depends on a time (or times) in our life when we are NOT happy. The fact that happiness is happiness only by comparison.

According the Christian -scheme- of things, people who do the right thing, or whatever (no need to get technical right this minute) are awarded perfection. Perfect harmony and happiness forever and ever.

A lot of people see this, and rightly so, as in and of itself a type of hell, where nothing changes, and happiness can't -really- exist because happiness requires comparison.

HOWEVER, and this is just a theory of mine, but it makes a WHOLE lot of sense for me, wouldn't it make sense if this whole world, which is bearable for some, unbearable for others, but all in all a truly imperfect state of existence marked by periods of relative happiness and relative unhappiness, acted as an eternal -buffer- for a perfect existence?

In other words, our happiness in some sort of paradise is RELATIVE, forever, to our happiness (or lack thereof) on earth? This helps to stop the argument that a paradise would end up looking like something out of the Giver. The people in the Giver never experience ANYTHING, because everything is always the same, making it a sort of utopia. Dystopia, actually. Anyhoo, our experience in this world, with its own relative ups and downs, could forever act as the eternal understanding we have of unhappiness, thus also continuing our ability to not live in a monotone, sterile environment, because it would be like perpetually being in the high cycle of our lives here on earth. Art and music and theater could all still exist because of the memory of pain, but with the ultimate understanding that redemption and happiness can, indeed, result from despair.

Does that make sense? Am I just completely full of myself? It really does make a lot of sense for me, but, you know.

Now, for the more Christian aspect of things (as if that wasn't Christian enough, sorry), this idea makes sense in a Grand, Capitalized kind of way.

Adam and Eve, so we are told, existed in a close relationship with God that we, as fallen humans, have never experienced. However, as is obvious from the fact that they DID fall, they were either unaware or unsatisfied with their relationship with God, because they had -never experienced anything else.-

By falling, or through the act of sinning, we severed ourselves from God, thus coming to experience pain, emotional and physical suffering, and eventually, death. Through these trials and tribulations, we are able to experience God in a completely different light. We now recognize what God does for us from the experience of not having God do it for us through our own ignorance and stupidity. We can actually -appreciate- God since we, at some point, didn't have him, or not nearly as much as we once did. The suffering allows for the greater, or Greatest (deserves a capital letter, in my opinion) good.

Okay, now to move on to the concept of Hell. I'm absolutely positive that, if nothing else, hell is NOT what the modern church says it is. Working with the idea that God is eternally just and eternally merciful, God is completely justified with removing people who, through their actions, want nothing to do with him. He is eternally merciful in allowing them to continue to exist, even in their rejection. The place that they exist in is what we call Hell. Whether or not it is actually a place of fire and brimstone is up for debate, but what ever it is, it is an uncomfortable existence, because the existence of a human depends on an interaction with God, or so we are told, again. Someone who rejects something that their existence depends on is quite possibly going to experience a great deal of discomfort.

However, it is my belief that even in this place of rejection, a person can indeed recognize that they were incorrect in their desire of complete independence from a loving creator, and that they may indeed repent of something that they now recognize as truly wrong, in order to, through God's mercy, come back into his presence.

So, while hell will exist for eternity, not everyone will exist IN hell for an eternity.

This also allows for people of different religious beliefs to gain access to what we see as paradise. Part of the Christian understanding is that "God reveals himself in all things", which means that every human is basically without excuse for not believing in God, more or less. That sounds rather terribly unfair to me. However, this would show us why there are SO MANY RELIGIONS in the world, and why, fundamentally, they are all so similar. Every religion contains the truth, and every religion's basic moral values are very, very much similar to one another. Don't murder, don't steal, don't lie and uphold your oaths, etc etc etc. Of course, each culture's interpretation of these things is very much subjective, but blahdy blah blah there you have it. So, while everyone on the planet may not believe in -Christianity,- they all share similar moral values that become more and more complex and more and more varied as you ascend from the basics, but at their core, people will often try to be good. Ish. Sometimes. Kind of. No, not really, but there are people who try.

Anyway, now I would like to talk about, in order for this to work, why a sacrifice would have been necessary.

People do bad things, and a single bad thing makes them imperfect, which means that they cannot exist with God, because God is perfect. They can feel bad about it all they like, but they would not be able to exist with God, because those sins, or bad things or whatever, would still have happened, still have existed. In order for those things to be annulled, forgotten, and discarded, a method of getting rid of them would have to be implemented. So God, in an extremely complex process, created the circumstance, through the Jewish people, that a man could be born who would fulfill this role of mediator and forgiver. By taking every sin upon himself and dying, Jesus negated every sin because he suffered the punishment of sin, which is death. So the punishment of those sins was fulfilled. And, through divine power, coming back to life indicated the power of God over sin, so that even those who sin might in fact live. However in order to be forgiven, doesn't someone have to accept forgiveness, and actually recognize that what they did was wrong?

A person who either a) does not want to be forgiven out of a feeling of unworthiness or b) does not believe in/think it necessary to be forgiven is not forgiven, because they have not either forgiven themselves or understood that forgiveness is necessary. So, by rejecting God, they are invariably sent to the place where those who reject God for whatever reason may continue to exist, albeit in a state that is very difficult to cope with. But in the mercy that God is and has, those people, even though it may be -infinitely harder-, without God as close as he is in this world, can come to understand that they were wrong all along, and why, and that God is in fact a good guy, and why, and know that they can be forgiven, and why, and are thus allowed to exist in that state of happiness which is eternally buffered by the knowledge of having once been hurt, upset, angry, and in pain.

Wow. Got a bit preachier there towards the end than I thought. But...it makes a lot of sense to me. It really does. And I guess, ultimately, that's what -really- matters, is what I believe, hope, and have faith in that will come to be.

I feel the need to write, but I'm just not sure what. And so we go.


I feel as if I am caught in the middle of a multitude of forces, theological and philosophical and scientific and mundane and ethical and....and.

The past six years have been difficult for me. The past four were okay, but went in bumps, but I felt pretty satisfied a lot of the time. The past year has sucked pretty badly.

I'm hoping not to be too whiny in this, but I'll probably end up being whiny anyway.


I'm caught in between all of these forces. Partly because of my own fault, and partly because that's...just the way it is. Just the way it was.

Christianity...Let me start there. It just doesn't make sense anymore. Or very little sense. The more I've thought about it, the more I see that there are five things I've gotten from Christianity; hope, morality, fear, guilt, and bias. I have spent my entire, self-aware life being afraid of something, and feeling guilty for something I may or may not have done.

It was in sixth grade that I came to the abrupt, unfortunate realization that "Oh. Hell isn't just for bad people, is it?" So I spent the next 3-4 years perpetually depressed. I would walk through the halls of my middleschool looking at the faces of all the people I passed and think about just how many of them would end up in hell. Really happy thoughts for a 12 year old, eh? I -wanted the world to end- so no one else would be born who could potentially end up in hell. I PRAYED for armageddon. I was absolutely obsessed with the Book of Revelations. I wanted the world to die so it would all just be over. I looked at the potential 70 years of life before me and -cringed- at how long it was. I wanted heaven, because life just seemed so sad.

Well, life still seems sad, but at least I want to live it.

Anyway. The morals that Christianity gave me also came coupled with an extreme sense of guilt and a horrible, externalizing bias. I could barely interact with people because I thought they were wrong, and I didn't want to be guilty by association. Drugs, sex, homosexuality, cursing, cheating, everything. I could only decently interact with people who held very similar values to my own.

When I moved to Rhode Island, I remember very clearly what it was that I prayed as I crossed the Newport Bridge for the first time: "God, please let me be sad to leave this place." Of course, that came back to bite me in the butt a bit, but it turned out for the best, ish.

Fortunately, I did fall into a very large (or relatively humongous for me) group of friends who could all have fun without drug intake or extreme sexual conduct etc etc, and I was very happy, socially and relationship wise. But still I worried and fretted and cried myself to sleep over -religion- and the state of the world. I wanted to find truth or -something- that I could hope for without being depressed all of the time. Towards the end of my stay in RI, Becca and Johnny tried to help me out some with theological issues...but...gah, and this is where I find it difficult to explain.

I feel as if NO ONE CARES AT THE SAME LEVEL THAT I DO. Becca and Johnny both were perfectly content with not knowing certain things. And I WASN'T at all. I needed to know, but they didn't, which just left me hanging and feeling like crap.

But....I didn't know what else to do. There wasn't anyone else I could talk to who wouldn't just say "have faith." Or worse, try and justify for me why hell is eternal.

The bible isn't perfect. Christianity has broken up into so many sects and branches that it's hilarious. It has corrupted every government system it has been a part of. It teaches hope, but only for some people. It makes you feel so miserable about just BEING ALIVE that it hurts. It teaches ludicrous things that defy the very nature of what it is to be a human. It MAKES UP rules that appear no where in any text. Homosexuality just -can't- be a sin. Oh, and interestingly enough, the notion of premarital sex is so recent it's laughable, because in the Biblical tradition, premarital sex is an oxymoron: Sex = marriage. Sex was how you GOT married. Once you slept with someone, you were married to that person. Sorry. But Christianity just...

Here is where I feel as if no one really understands. I need something to believe in. Christianity isn't just a thing you do on Sundays. It wasn't for me, at least. It was an extreme comfort, but a believable comfort. It seemed like God did things for me. I still see purpose in the world. I had someone to talk to. I had a reason for my morals, and I thought the morals were pretty good. It was the foundation of everything that I am. It's like having your essence, your core, just ripped out of you. I can't just "live life." I can't just "believe in myself" or "believe in what you want to believe." It doesn't WORK like that for me. I need some definitive, something at least semi concrete. There aren't fucking words strong enough to describe how much it MEANS to me. I need to KNOW that people who die, people who live poorly emotionally and physically, people who squander their lives, people who don't even get the chance to choose anything in life...I need to know that there is something for those people.

I have to know that morality has a PURPOSE. Saying that morality is good because it makes you feel good or because you believe it's good doesn't make enough sense. That's fine for the individual. How does that work for the collective.

WHY was Hitler such a bad guy? Well, because he killed people, and tried to commit genocide, you might say. Why is that wrong? Because it's wrong to commit genocide? Okay...well, why? If you trace that all the way down, there really isn't an answer, is there? It's wrong because society, somewhere far back, came up with the idea that we shouldn't kill people. How is that fair for dear Hitler if he was doing what he thought was right, because it made him feel good and because he -believed- it was right?

The only good thing I've gotten out of this is that I find it easier to overcome the natural impulse of projecting my values and my expectations onto other people. Everyone projects their values, but I've always found it difficult to not judge someone by that. And it would make me feel guilty when I did. And I would feel guilty about feeling guilty. All the way down.

Other than that, I've lost my faith, my hope, my self esteem has shrunk to almost nothing, and I feel as if I'm the only one who cares about all of this stuff. People may care a little, but it isn't as...essential to them. It's kind of a passing question, a sort of "Oh, I have a minute, perhaps I shall ponder this with you." But then they get bored or have something else to do, and I have to force myself to not beg them to please return to the topic, because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to make people unhappy in the same way that I am.

The only hope that remains to me on a cosmic level is that a creator deity of some sort does exist. As long as nothing continues to come from nothing, I will believe that. The universe is temporal. The universe had a beginning. Every effect has a cause. Of the Universe is an effect, it must have had a cause. That's simple enough to make a whole lot of sense to me, at least.

But I have absolutely no idea where to go from here. And I feel so guilty about being so upset, because of all of the wonderful things I have in my life. And I feel guilty about feeling guilty. Etc. Etc. Etc.

And I'm sorry that this did end up just being an emo fest. Interesting side note, there has been research done which shows that depressed people are actually the most realistic people. Sad, huh? Everyone else is just wearing rose colored glasses.

I just really need people to understand how...how very important these things are to me, even if people don't share my intense, essential interest in them.

I'm also just really afraid of changing too much. That's stupid, I know, but I really...I don't want my values to change, I kind of like how I am. I don't want to end up shirking everything I once stood for by compromising my beliefs. I'm not sure how to go about doing...everything.

Birthdays kinda start to sneak up on you as you get older...

I'm gonna do a life recap. Because I can. And I like nostalgia.

-Hokey pokey in the pool when I was about 3 years old, or younger. First memory.

-Tennessee and California. Don't remember too much about these two places. Remember a kid that I used to play with who was rather a jerk in California. but that's about it.

-Ahh North Carolina. My frist best friend. Playing, watching the deer lick the sugar blocks in the back yard. The funny shaped houses. The roller coaster hills. The bestest kindergarten teacher ever. Being afraid of the older kids. My awesome pen necklace. Nap time. My friend's chickens and dogs. Wanting to cry when we left.

-Germany. Good times. First real cootie wars. Immense games involving imagination. Second best friend. Third best friend. My strict teacher, who was cool anyway. First recess. Falling in the snow. First crush, I think. Maybe not. Not sure. Rain on one side of the apartment building, sun on the other. Accidently shooting a kid in the stomach with my nerf gun. Being bossy. Learning that one of my friends was moving to the same place as me. That was so cool. Being sick in the hospital for a week, and wicked bored. Being sad when we left, but kind of happy to leave a foreign country to go back to a place where people speak English.

-Kansas. Walking to school. The firefiles. MAN the firefiles. Awesome babysitter. A group of good friends. We had so much fun doing silly things. Boyscout crap. Walking home in winter in two feet of snow with holes in my shoes. Dodging the worms after a rainstorm. Getting my dog. Such a hyper little creep he was. Small house, but a mansion compared to Germany. Mrs. Strictland. Trying to wiggle my ears during recess. More cooty wars. Carefree. Nothing to worry about. Glad my friend Billy was there. Nice to have a familiar face. Sad when we left, but not too much.

-Washington State. Good God did I love that place. Closed neighborhood. Maybe 50 houses or so. Awesome bus driver. Big farm right in the middle of the neighborhood with my friend Tucker who lived there. Playing in the huge tree, making "offices." My friends Ashley and Lindsey. My friend Austin. My semi-friend Billy. My first archnemesis. Can't remember...oh wait. Kyle. That was it. Man I didn't like him. Putting together a clown show. Letting Tucker's sisters put all the clown make-up on me. Doing the tumbling acts. Playing kick the can. Playing in the huge drainage ditch the workers kinda forgot about. Feeling horrible for poor Austin, because he lost his dad at a young age. That poor guy. Feeling scared for him, because he seemed like the kind of kid to make the wrong decisions in life. Learning that Santa Clause isn't real. I cried that day. Spice Girls :P. All Ashley's fault. I miss them. Ahh, no, this was my first crush. I remember now. Kristen was her name. We displayed our affection by smashing each other with tether balls. Oh, playing basketball with Andrew and BJ. I remember them. BJ had a pretty awesome house. Very sad when I left here.

-Virginia. Unfortunately, my memories are not so fond for this place. Longest time I've ever stayed in one place. I hated middle school with such a passion. But I got there half way through 4th grade. Mrs. Speare was an awesome teacher. Making some of my best friends. David and Brent and another David. Good times. First David's house was so much fun. We went over there all the time. Video games, play gym thing, trampoline...Fifth grade was incredible, too. Oh man, I had forgotten about them. Two other great friends of mine when we first got there...I can't believe I don't remember their names. One was a grade younger, another a grade older. It was pretty funny. They both moved after one year, though. Man that made me sad. But my fifth grade teacher is probably my FAVORITE elementary school teacher. Mrs. Christenson, I think. Something like that. So cool. She was such a crazy, funny lady. I loved her. And then came middle school. Ahh. But here's the best memory. Very first day. Standing outside the school, waiting to be let in. I met my bestest friend ever. I still remember the conversation. "Hi, I'm Stephen." "Really? That's my name too!" "Really? How do you spell it?" "With a ph." "Me too! What homeroom are you in?" "(Insert homeroom number. 2something.)" "ME TOO!" Best friends from the getgo. If we hadn't met each other then and there, we would have been worst enemies. Thankfully, there is a God. And he gave me someone to get me through that nightmare. Stephen actually played the same prank I did. It's where I got the idea. The one where I said he was moving? He played that prank. It crushed me. It was the WORST day of my life. I was so distraught I couldn't pick out the obvious signs that it was a joke. He made quite a few girls sad, too :P. But it was horrible. I felt dead inside. I wanted to punch his lights out when he told me it was a prank. Ugh, high school. Out of nowhere I develop anti-social tendencies, turn into this uber nerd, and become very depressed and near suicidal. It was not a fun time. Bad memories. But I pulled through in the end. I knew that ending my life was not even an option. That was not a possible escape. It was the cowards way out, and it wasn't God's fault my life was a living hell for me. I have to say, though, my chorus teacher ROCKED. She was sooo coooool. She was very short, too :P. She was able to control a room of 30 middle school boys (kind of) by herself. Yeah. And then we got our orders to move down to Florida. I was very happy to be getting out of there...but miserably sad to be losing my best friend. I didn't even realize he was my best friend until we left. Isn't that sad? Never quite appreciate something until it's no longer there...

-Florida. Meh. Just kinda meh. Still anti-social. Cool school, though, if rather dumb. HUGE amount of class choices. Bad French teacher. Awesome English and History teachers. Really cool lunch system. Helped a good friend of mine while I was down there. Felt great about that. Came to a realization that disgusts me to this day. A realization I am in no hurry to reveal before I'm safely buried six feet down :P. Really cool friend that said I reminded him of himself when he was younger. He was a crazy kid who does some funny stuff. I told him he was crazy, that I could never be like him. I was wrong. I kind of have become like him, in a way. Cross country was a blast down there. Awesome coach. Thunderstorms are so much fun, and so pretty. Got to go on this church trip that affected me greatly and taught me a few extremely important things, namely that I'm not alone in my experiences growing up. I had this really wonderful view from my bedroom window. It was so nice. I was looking out over this small pond in our backyard that would glow blue at night. Had my own bathroom, too. That was nice. I was settled in for the long haul, because I thought that was going to be our last move. MAN am I glad it wasn't. We got our orders to move over the summer. They gave us about a month to pack up and everything. I found out only a few weeks before school started. Can't say I had many regrets. I was going to miss a few people, of course, but other than that, I was extremely happy to get out of there. But I mean, come on, Rhode Island? What the heck? :P

-Rhode Island. I have to tell you, I love this place. Seriously. It's wonderful. One of the best places I've lived. It's very possible it's just the people, but I love it all the same. I might think differently if I had spent my entire life here, but I haven't, so I don't. I get here and I feel rather out of it. We're back to this dinky little navy housing with a bathroom that you can't close the door of because it's so tiny it hits the toilet. The neighborhood had no one my age, as far as I could tell, and there was still a month before school started. I met Chaz soon after that, when my mom met his dad at some pre school opening thingy. They arranged a "play date." I have to say, that's the only time I've been grateful to my mom for arranging a get together for me. It was great having a familiar, friendly face on the first day of school, especially when I spent it in the cafeteria, because I didn't exist. Or something. But yeah. I can't even remember when I got incorporated into our little group...but I'm BEYOND happy and ecstatic and...gah. Elated, joyful...words aren't enough. I've very happy I found you guys :P. Or you found me. Whatever. It's been a fun year. A good one. A learning one. All that jazz.

-I don't feel like going up and editing the Virginia/Florida sections, so I'm gonna put this stuff here. I have to say, I have a very good imagination. It's rather wonderful. I wanted to escape into a different world. I DESPERATELY, to the point of almost making myself cry, wanted for some magic portal to open up and whisk me away to another world where I could have some purpose, and fight evil, and win the day for the good guys. I still can't describe just how much I wanted that to happen. I wanted for the end of the world to come. Life just seemed way too long. I didn't wanna wait another 80 years before I got to finally go home. Phooey on that. I would, and sometimes still do get these fits of deja-vu all the time where I would feel like I belonged somewhere else. Not cool. But I got over it, and I'm rather happy to be alive, really. Very happy. Wonderfully, disgustingly happy.


Ahh. I think that about does it. That felt wonderful to do that. Get all those memories out into the open for future...rememberance :P. You know, all I need are just two more things to make my life the absolute best it could possibly be. Really. Just two. And actually, one of them would be enough. I don't think it's asking much. Not really. But...I dunno. It would make me THE happiest kid in the world. I have no doubt about that. I would jump and cry and laugh and dance and sing....*sigh*. It would be wonderful. I hope it comes true. I pray and pray and pray and pray and pray. All the time.

So yeah. There we go. That's about it. Happy almost birthday to me ^^. Kudos for reading all of that.

Don't you hate it when you get the inexplicable urge to write, but have nothing to write about? I want to write -something-.

I'm gonna make a poem. Hmmm

Why do we all seek love so soon?
Can we not bear to wait?
We have not yet begun to live,
And the time is not too late.

We still have time! Why can't you see?
We can put love on hold
The ties and bonds that come with love
Cannot yet make us mold

Your one true love is out there now
And waits the same as you
Does it comfort you to think that
They see the same stars too?

Love can wait if you let it lie
It is not something to rush
Hold out for a little while
Love doesn't need a push

Kinda crappy, but thats what happens when I do one on such short notice, and with no real plan in mind.

Well, I am personally a believer of "Everyone's true love is out there somewhere." Which is also where I get many of my beliefs about abstinence from, but anyhoo.

Isn't it a rather...humbling, almost, thought that the person you will end up spending the rest of your life with is out there now? That person is going through the same things you are. That person wishes on the same stars we do. That person thinks about their love, too. That person may pray for you. I know I pray for my future wife. I pray for her strength. I pray for her health. I pray for her emotional situations.


You know what's really wierd? What if you've already met your love? What if you walk by that person every day?

What if?

Today has been a bit of a stressful day for me on an unusual level. I've been rather struggling with what I believe specifically.

I believe in God. I believe that Jesus was the son of God and died for our sins 'cause he's awesome like that. I believe that God created everything, and loves us more than we could ever possibly imagine. But from there, what? What are -my- specific beliefs? From listening to two pastors today, I found that I am rather in disagreement with some of what they say.

Too many Christians nowadays undermine our own free will, in my opinion. The whole POINT of Jesus dying for us was free will.

I do not think that God interferes as much in our everyday lives as people think. God gave us EVERYTHING, yes, but he doesn't script everything for us. God already knows what is going to happen, so everything is going to work to his advantage, obviously, but we still make our choices within that plan. God knows what decisions we are going to make before we make them, so he puts us where we are needed. Everything we do is OUR decision. God never has, and never will, force us to decide something.

God gave us our gifts. He gave us our intelligence, our talents, our desires...but it's up to US what we do with them. I could be extremely intelligent. But I might grow up to be a garbage man. It would be my choice. It would be a waste, but it would be my choice nonetheless. God gives us those oppurtunities, though.

So, basically, I do not think that a prayer like "God, help me have more time to study for math" get's a whole lot of attention from God. We should be in control of our own lives enough to make time. God isn't going to make time for us, unless of course it's something he needs for us to do.

So, when we accomplish something, we thank God. And duly so. God gave us our talents, our skills, and provided a good deal of the oppurtunities we have, but it was also because of OUR hard work, OUR dedication, OUR perserverance. God gave us all of those, too, but they are still ours.

God does a lot, but he lets a lot of stuff run on its own, I think. Everything will work out exactly as he wants it to, of course, but I think that some things are free of his immediate influence. There are miracles, there are influences, but not quite as often as people think, I believe.

I'm feeling rather agitated, so I'm gonna stop now.

Alright, due to an unforseen turn of events, I am going to officially make this livejournal:

FRIENDS ONLY

Comment to be added :P

Johnny and I were talking about this the other day in French.

You know those people who blame everything on fate? Fate is a bunch of crap. There is no such thing as fate. Fate is an excuse for the people who screwed their lives up. Don't play the blame game with a force that doesn't exist.

Ok, so you can't blame fate...let's blame God! Free will can't really exist if he knows everything that's going to happen, right? Everything is a part of his plan, right? Soooo if I commit suicide, it's unavoidable since it has to be a part of his plan. It's God's fault.

Wrong.

Yes, God does know everything. He knows every single decision you will ever make, or ever think about making, or maybe never think about in the first place. But, he uses this knowledge to place your decisions in his plan. He plans -around- you. Sure, he nudges things every now and then...but he IS God, after all. So, since he plans -around- you, every decision you make is your own. This is bad in that you cannot blame God for what happened...but it's good in that every good thing you do, everyone you make happy, any time you do something that brings joy...those are also your decisions. I had never really thought about that second part...I had never really come to the conclusion that, if every bad thing I do is my fault...that means that every good thing I do is my "fault" as well. That's a rather comforting thought, actually....

Anyway. /end.

Hey, if any of you ever have the desire to NOT BREATHE, wear a tie ^^. And don't give me any of this "blah blah corsette blah" shtuff, because those are dead XD.

My dad made me put my sleeves down, but I'll probably wind up rolling them back up by the end of the night, anyway XD

You all have fun at your anti-homecoming party :P

I'm really hyper and happy right now, for some reason. But hyper in a I-can-still-go-to-sleep kind of way. Ask Cay. She can attest to the validity of the hyper statement.

Tomorrow is going to be so much fun XD. I get nostalgia just thinking about it. Can't way to see Becca. SO MUCH FUN.

JUST ONE MORE CROSS COUNTRY MEET LEFT. w00t. I can't wait for it to be over with. I get a whole month off before swimming, too.

Alright. That's about it. Need to go to bed. Gnight!